Monday, October 22, 2012

Who am I and Whom shall I be?

Let me just preface this in saying that I think motherhood is wonderful.  But I don't believe that it is the ONLY thing that a woman should aspire to be in her entire life.  I believe in being a mom.  I want to be a mom.  But i don't want that to be the only thing I am.  (this is NOT an announcement)
Let me also say that I wrote this because it is one of the many things that is tearing me apart right now.  The things in the poem are literally things that i have heard either in Church indirectly, or directly to my face from other members.  and it's driving me insane.  apparently ambition has no place in a married woman.  my time to discover who i am is after my children are in college.  or in high school at least.  but how can i teach my children properly if i do not know who i am?  if something happens to my husband, shouldn't i be prepared to work and support our family in a job that i will find fulfilling as well as beneficial?  Apparently not.  My duty as a faithful married mormon is to seek only children.  After all, Medicaid will pay for it.  all of this is causing me a great deal of confusion because if you hear something so frequently for so long, you start to believe it.

Who am I and Whom shall I be?

Fathers prophesy of a better day
peace and happiness, love and charity
and all can be obtained if we obey
the laws of God with perfect clarity

Bit i was raised with an idea of who
i should be, i could be, i would become
but now i see this image start to skew
for thoughts of whom we should be is not one

some will say that motherhood is best
and all will nod and say that this is true
and that children bring joy to mother's breast
and importance to everything you do

but if this is not what you desire
from even before your very first kiss
then your soul is evil and in Hell Fire
you shall burn eternal in selfishness

Others will shake their heads and say "not so!"
"Only seek children when the time is right!
Prepare for them like you prepare for snow
So in love and patience they may gain sight"

Cannot a mother work AND be at home?
Should she work only if not a mother?
Will my marriage always be set in stone?
Is there no chance to choose something other?

The problem is that I truly believe
that my ambition was given from God
But many around give me no reprieve
and do not cease to tell me this is fraud

i am torn between these two paths i see
there is the one i grew up believing
a worker and a mother i could be
to take on the world and go conquering

and there is one that i hear everyday
that all i need is a small change of heart
desire only children and i may
be free of subtle and fiery dart

"your selfishness is apparent" they say.
"You cannot have faith if you do not see
The doctrine of motherhood day to day
if you are blind, then faithless you must be."

Who am I; who am I; whom shall I be?
Who i am told, or whom i wish to see?