Monday, June 3, 2013

10. God has not forgotten me.

And this will be the last post on this series of posts now that I have a steady and stable VPN working I can finally publish it.  So… hope you’ve enjoyed the ride so far.
God has not forgotten me
It gives me no pleasure and great pause to admit that there have been times in the last year where I have wholly and fully believed that God had forgotten me.  And everyone tried to talk me out of it, but I just couldn’t believe that he could be watching me suffer like this and just let it continue.  God didn’t forget me, but I forgot Him.  And I forgot myself.
Honestly, this post is probably going to turn into something that you’re not expecting, but here it goes.  Being out here has really given me the chance to see not only my life from a new perspective, but also just life in general.  I’m so far away from everything I know that it’s not even funny.  I’ve been struggling with depression since I was nine years old, and there have been a few times in my life where it’s reared its ugly head and I was forced to admit it and confront it (to a small group of trusted individuals) before burrowing down and hiding it again.  And now I’m really really trying to break that habit. 
Being out here, I started to wonder why I’ve always been so unhappy, why I’ve always felt the need to push myself to the edge of oblivion, to run myself ragged, to always ALWAYS come out on top and to try to please everyone.  It wasn’t healthy, and I know that I had a lot to work on, but I couldn’t help but wonder why I felt such a powerful need to just be ‘good enough.’ Especially when through everything I’d done and accomplished, I still didn’t feel that way. 
And then it just sort of all came into focus.  It’s because I’ve always been fighting for people to accept me.  Not just when we were moving everywhere as a kid, but in all things and in all places.  I HAD to have people like me.  If they thought I was a bad person, then I must be a bad person. And I just couldn’t handle that.  I couldn’t stand the thought of someone thinking that I was a failure.  And it cut me deep if anyone ever did.  And I was struggling with two very different viewpoints that I was trying to cram into the same little developing personality.  One was who I wanted to be, and the other was who I was told to be. I wanted to be important, I wanted to be strong and independent and do work that would benefit society in a public way.  I wanted to be strong and outgoing and make a difference in the world.  And I was told that I would only ever find happiness by getting married and having a family.  And that I would find the most satisfaction and joy out of being a stay at home mom, with no ambition to do anything more, with no drive to work outside the home, and no higher priority than my children.
And while I deeply, deeply respect women who have made this choice and have found happiness and joy in it… for me, I’ve got to call it: Bull $&!%
The view of who I was/wanted to be and the view of who I was supposed to be just didn’t compute. And I prayed for change I prayed for the strength to want these ‘righteous’ desires immediately.  But as I have mentioned in previous posts, they never came.  So I forgot myself.  And I felt as though God had forgotten me.  But now I’m realizing that God doesn’t change a good thing.  I have things to do in this life, and I can’t do them if I’m not me.  God hasn’t forgotten me.  I’ve forgotten me.  Well, I remember now.  And I’m stronger now, but that doesn’t mean I’m na├»ve enough to think that now that I’ve had this clarity of thought that it’ll all be smooth sailing from here on out. No.  in fact, I imagine it’ll be harder, but that I now have the strength to manage it.  Not to expect myself to change but expect myself to change my environment, which isn’t that what I wanted to do in the first place?
Now I know many who would say that they had ambition but that they found happiness doing what ‘the doctrine’ tells them to do and that they’ve never felt the deep and haulting suffering that has plagued me as of late.  And they freely admit that they don’t understand, and that’s fine.  So long as they do understand one thing.
Your experiences don’t outweigh mine. 
We are on different paths. And I won’t be jealous or hate you so long as you don’t shame me or blame me for my own pain.  There is a lot of disgusting victim blaming in rape and domestic violence cases.  And there is even more in depression and anxiety cases.  In the immortal words of President Uctdorf: STOP IT.
God has not forgotten me.  He can’t.  And sometimes, it’s all too easy to forget myself and forget where I come from and where I’m going. 

I hope that these last ten blog posts have maybe helped some of you understand something about life or about me.  And I hope beyond hope that while I’m learning to stand up and speak and fight for myself, that I can inspire some seed in someone that will allow them to stand up and speak and fight for themselves as well. If that’s all I ever accomplish… it is enough.